Emotional rollercoaster: unplanned pregnancy

Watching the lines materialise into a positive reading on a white plastic pregnancy stick can be exciting for some, daunting for others. Unwanted pregnancies are common in Australia. In 2003-04, about 130 children were given up for adoption in Australia. Meanwhile, abortion is one of the most common surgical procedures in the country with about 80,000, or one in four, known pregnancies ending this way every year.
Deciding the fate of an unwanted pregnancy could be one of the toughest emotional decisions any woman may ever have to make, and it is one that shouldn’t be made without support. "It is really important they don't feel alone, and having information at hand and making an informed choice removes some of that fear factor and some of the emotions such as feeling scared and isolated", says Amanda Ralph, from the Marie Stopes reproductive and sexual health centre. "But, at the end of the day it is the woman who is going to be most impacted by the decision she makes on whether she continues the pregnancy or terminates."

Mittagong child and family therapist Francine Bartlett agrees, and says that if a woman is not totally committed to her final choice she may live with eternal regret and resentment. "It's about being truthful about how you feel and getting support to deal with those feelings so that when you make the decision, you are congruent", she says.

It is up to each woman whether she seeks guidance from a professional counsellor or family and friends, but either way it has to be unbiased and non-judgmental support, adds Ralph. She recommends that women go through a process of asking themselves how they would feel about each of the options available, and how the final decision would affect them and their family.

The Children by Choice unplanned pregnancy support group suggests some questions women can ask themselves when making the decision:

How do I feel about this pregnancy?
How do my values, beliefs, previous experiences or expectations around each of these options — abortion, adoption and parenting — affect how I feel?
What are my goals, plans or dreams?
Do I need more information on any of these options?
How will this affect significant others in my life, including children and partner/
Keeping the baby
If the shock has turned to acceptance, now is the time to start bonding with your unborn baby so you are more likely to form a strong relationship with the child when he or she is born. Bartlett recently conducted a small study among pregnant Australian women and found that stress and the emotions of an unwanted pregnancy could affect the mother's relationship with the child. "Also, there is some reality that if the pregnancy wasn't wanted, those feelings can affect the hormonal environment in the mother and they can also affect the way she copes and her denial, so she might not get adequate pre-natal care', says Bartlett.

Making the intellectual decision to keep a baby may not be enough to cope with the initial feelings of resentment, fear, anxiety and anger. "So, it's okay to not want the pregnancy, but if you are going ahead with it, it is worth being honest about that and getting support to deal with those feelings so you can begin to pay attention to the baby that is growing inside you and embrace it."

To bond with your unborn baby, you can try:

Talking and singing to the baby;
Acknowledging that you are pregnant and starting to become aware of the baby's growth;
Imagining what the child is going to be like and imagining yourself as a mother;
Buying baby clothes and equipment;
Ensuring that you attend ante-natal care appointments
Terminating
Ralph says women can experience a whole gamut of emotions if they decide to terminate a pregnancy, but one of the most common emotions is overwhelming relief. About 98 percent of women who undergo an abortion feel it is the right decision, and most women don't suffer any subsequent psychological or emotional problems, says a report by the Victorian Government.

Those women who do experience guilt, depression and grief are often the ones who feel they were coerced into the decision. "The majority of women feel overwhelming relief that they have made the decision, but they can experience sadness, remorse, guilt", says Ralph.

Abortion legislation differs in all states and territories, but it generally passes the decision on whether or not a pregnancy can be terminated to the doctor. Abortions can be performed up to 20 weeks gestation in QLD, NSW, SA, WA, VIC and 14 weeks in the ACT (although it has been removed from the clinical code in the ACT), TAS and the NT.

Adoption
It takes time for most parents to move past the initial grief of placing a child up for adoption, Debra Smith, former director of the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse in the US writes in a report. Some feel positive early on while others feel loss, but almost all birth parents wonder how their child is doing.

Some women become angry or depressed, and can get caught up in these phases for a long time, says Merry Bloch Jones in her book Birthmothers: Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their Stories.

Some tips to getting out of these cycles include:

Professional counselling;
Talking with supportive family members or friends;
Writing their feelings down in a story or poem;
Writing letters, even if they are not sent, to their child;
Holding a private ceremony each year on their child's birthday


This article is available at http://health.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=63299